If you’re a typically uptight, type-A foreigner like me living in Catalonia , surely you’ve seen it. You’ve experienced it, and some of your pairs of panties have lasting urine-stains to prove it. You know what I’m talking about: the CATALUSTERFUCK.
That group of two, three, four or more old Catalan señoras who dress up in their furs and gold and hairdoes and sensible heels, and take over the town. Or at least the sidewalks. Linked at the elbow, they form a perfect, impenetrable barricade by which no other human can pass.
Hey, Spanish people: you say you don’t want any more immigrants coming into the country? Forget the police, and cover the borders with these old ladies. You can be sure that not even a fly will get by them.
If you have something urgent to do, somewhere pressing to be, you’re screwed. Kiss all your careful planning goodbye. Yes, you probably have a train to catch, a job to go to. Yes, you probably have loved ones who will notice your prolonged absence and will go from worrying and starting dinner without you, to filing missing persons reports with the Guardia Urbana, to tearfully posting your possessions for sale on Craigslist or SegundaMano.com.
‘Cause you’re trapped behind a Catalusterfuck and there’s nothing you can do. Take a deep breath. Let go, and let God.
Then link elbows with the closest Catalans you can find — one on each side — and form your own Catalusterfuck.
After all, millions of old ladies can’t be wrong!
¡No dona, no! No es tan dramático como eso, y menos tú que estás en forma y eres delgada. Mi táctica es: mientras paso por su lado les toco el brazo diciendo: Permiso, permiso… y Oh! Surprise! Consiguen hacerse a un lado y OCUPAR MENOS PARTE DE CALLE, porque ¿Cómo he osado tocarlas? ¡Sacrílega! ¡Mala persona! Y sigo mi camino tan tranquilamente. Todo es cuestión de prioridades, y en mi caso, evidentemente, YO voy por delante de ellas y su mala educación. La calle y sus aceras son de todos, compartámoslas.
Hahahaha That must be typical all over Spain! I usually get out my nasty madrileño accent and say ” Me dejas pasar, por favor!!!!!” I´ve always thought that it would be fun to just link arms and join them. If I can´t get past, I´ll just be part of the fun. Just image the shock factor!
ha-ha
Cheers!
I can only say: Rachel you’re great …. ha, ha, ha …
It’s a fantastic description of one of our “denominació d’origen” products …
The Cataluster is learnt at an early age. I remember the Catalusterfucks when I was in ESO. They weren’t made up of old ladies in furs, but of teenage girls with tight trousers, bombers or denim jackets, big loop earrings, thick black eyeliner and pony-tails with lots of hair gel on the front strands. If they increase the Catalunya’m clothes line out of food stuff the Catalusterfuck should appear on a t-shirt.
Mucho western han visto estas viejales:
http://www.cinemaisdope.com/news/films/wildbunch/wildbunch1969.jpg
¿Has probado a gritar “Fuego!!!!” cuando estás detrás de ellas? Yo lo hice una vez en el Carrefour.