Bolivian President Offends Gays, Chickens

Photo (c) Tom Curtis, FDP

An indignant missive to the President of Boliva, Evo Morales, was recently found scratched into the dirt of a chicken coop of an Iowa farm. It reads as follows:

Dear President Morales,

As a chicken, I am deeply offended by your recent remarks at the World People’s Conference on Climate Change. In your presentation, you asserted that commercial chickens are treated with female hormones, which, upon being consumed by humans, cause “deviances in being men”, by which you meant homosexuality.

No matter which side of the genetic modification debate you reside on, there is really no need to resort to crude, retrograde homophobia. I am just a chicken — a plain, humble, non-organic, pill-popping chicken. Yes, I have my weaknesses, and I just admitted one of them. I would love to be one of those fancy, hormone-free chickens that they sell in hippy organic co-ops. But, as you so often like to remind others, not everybody can occupy the highest rung of the social ladder, and not EVERYBODY lives within convenient distance of a rehab clinic.

However, the fact that I am just an ordinary, commercial hormone-laden chicken does not make me responsible for anyone’s sexual orientation. That — as every conscious person in this day and age already knows — is due to the roulette wheel of genetics. (And no, sexual orientation is NOT a personal choice, so don’t even go there with me, okay, or I will scratch your eyes out!!)

Yes, I am just a chicken. But being a chicken doesn’t make me immune to the plight of others, including that of gay people. In every society, gays and lesbians have suffered more than their share of hurtful prejudice. I’m chicken enough to know deep within my heart that their being gay doesn’t take anything away from my identity as fowl. I don’t feel threatened as a chicken because some men love men and some women love women. That would be silly. After all, gays don’t try to make me gay. And I don’t try to make gays into poultry.

As far as how others express themselves sexually, I really feel it’s none of my business.  I mean, seriously, who am I to judge? I eat my own poop! “To each his own”, as they say. Although personally, I do feel happier knowing that people are free to be themselves, rather than living in shame and torment. So as far as gays go, I just roll with it. And guess what? I suggest you do too.

And as far as that crack you made about baldness — well, you’ll be hearing from my cousin, Sam the Eagle. He is pissed.