One of the great things about living in Spain is that every time some old lady moves out of her apartment, you find stuff like THIS on the streets!
A rancid Jesus Christ wall artifact, absolutely obligatory in the Franco era. This particular one isn’t that old, however, as this Jesus is fashioned out of plastic. Eeew!
Unfortunately, in the wear-and-tear of the move, poor Jesus has lost most of his right hand. He also has a nasty scrape over his nose. Still, Jesus seems to be saying, “I should only be so lucky in real life! I sure would’ve preferred losing a hand and scraping my nose instead of being crucified and pierced with goddamned arrows by a bunch of motherfucking lunatics.”
A little bit of paint and Jesus’s nose will be good as new. But what to do about the hand? What if, like me, you’re no sculptor?
The whole thing just makes me sad. Jesus has that typical hangdog look of his, that Louis Prima-Just a Gigolo lament:
I’m so sad and lonely, sad and lonely, oh lonely, oh lonely, lonely, lonely / Won’t some sweet mama come and rescue me?
Then I came up with an idea. Whose company did Jesus really enjoy? I mean, besides that bunch of nerds who went everywhere with him, writing down everything he said, including that one asshole who sold him out to the Romans. Who else did Jesus really get along with?
That’s right: prostitutes!
So here’s what you do: Go to your local Bazaar Oriente and buy a fake Barbie(TM) doll for 2 euros. Barbie dolls are the most accurate representations of real prostitutes you’re gonna find at such low prices. Now here’s the surprise: unlike genuine Barbie dolls, the low-quality fakes are actually anatomically correct! I had no idea until I checked.
Use your Chinese Barbie doll’s vagina to balance her perfectly on Jesus’s scary, broken Edward Scissor-hand. I could swear he’s starting to look happier already! Can’t you see his eyes just light up?
Voilá! Jesus is having more fun than he’s had in years. Thousands, to be exact. Look at the way he’s pointing to his new female companion in the photo below, as if to say, “LOOK, guys! Can you BELIEVE who I’m with tonight??! Pinch me ’cause I must be dreaming!”
Forget that crown of thorns; Jesus will enjoy his new status as a Party Animal… while at the same time jazzing up that boring living room wall!
Very well sequenced, Rachel, pure genius! Hahaha!
Rachel, if you believe that this doll is anatomically correct, I feel for you!! A fantastic, laugh-out-loud post that ensures you’ll never go to heaven! And what’s with that forked beard of his?
reminds me the waiter who protected his sick finger into the soup. Plastic Queen say ‘ Hi mom i fine